gingerbread-man_8_640Man kann denken, was man will, aber jeder, der jemals eine Familienaufstellung erlebt hat, kann aus eigener Erfahrung sagen, dass es sich zeitweise wie Zauberei – Hexerei anfühlt.

Vor vielen vielen Jahren habe ich mal als Beobachter an einer Aufstellung teilgenommen. Damals hatte ich kein eigenes Anliegen, sondern war „nur“ Stellvertreter. Ich weiss natürlich nicht mehr, worum es damals ging, aber ich kann mich an meine Emotionen erinnern. Sobald ich meinen Platz in der Aufstellung eingenommen hatte, überkamen mich Gefühle, die ich nicht beeinflussen konnte. Es passierte etwas mit mir. Damals erkannte ich das grosse Potential von Familienaufstellungen und auch die grosse Gefahr, denn der Therapeut muss in der Lage sein, mit absolut jeder Geschichte, jeder Situation sorgsam umzugehen. Er trägt eine so grosse Verantwortung, dass ich mich jahrelang sträubte, selber meine Familie aufzustellen. Und doch, der Wunsch blieb.

Im letzten Jahr hatte ich die Gelegenheit, an einem Wochenende verschiedene Aufstellungen einschliesslich meiner eigenen zu erleben. Das Erlebte hat mich verändert. Ich realisierte damals Zusammenhänge, erkannte Muster und konnte Frieden mit Episoden aus meinem Leben schliessen.

Dieses Wochenende hatte ich nun das zweite Mal die Gelegenheit, den selben Therapeuten zu erleben und mich ihm anzuvertrauen. Und es ist ein sich anver-Trauen, ein sich in seine Hände geben und darauf vertrauen, dass er sorgsam mit mir und meiner Seele umgeht. Und das hat er gemacht.

Gestern durfte ich zweimal stellvertretend stehen und beide Male war ich berührt, dass die Wahl auf mich fiel. Es war eine Ehre für mich, stellvertretend für jemanden anders zu stehen, die Gefühle wahrzunehmen, mich auch zu fragen, was davon zu meiner Geschichte gehört und was nicht, wo fange ich an, wo höre ich auf, wo fängt meine Rolle an und wo hört sie auf? Woher kommen diese Gefühle? Die Stärke der Energie zu spüren und auch aushalten zu müssen, all dies hat mich bewegt, berührt und nachhaltig geprägt.

Und heute, am Sonntag, durfte ich zwei sehr persönliche Aufstellungen für mich erleben. Die Gewalt der Gefühle, die mich zeitweise überschüttet und auch verschüttet hat, hat mir zum Teil den Boden unter den Füssen weggerissen und mir gleichzeitig auch wieder unsagbaren Halt gegeben. Ich durfte die Kraft, die in meiner Familie liegt, sehen. Ich habe meine Seele gesehen, wie sie die Krankheit körperlich bekämpft und erfolgreich abgeschüttelt hat. Ich durfte mich in den Armen des Lebens spüren und Kraft daraus schöpfen, um laut und deutlich zu sagen: „Ich liebe das Leben!!!“ Und auch den Tot zu sehen und keine Angst vor ihm zu haben, sind unbezahlbare Geschenke.

Worte können nicht beschreiben, was ich erleben durfte. Ich spüre Dankbarkeit, Demut, Zuversicht und noch mehr Dankbarkeit.

(English) Anita Moorjani‘ „Dying to be me“ – book review part 2

anita It’s official, my tumor is back. My MRI taken on the 29th January 2015 revealed that parts of it have grown again. This news sheds a new light on my book review . And it took me days, to actually sit down and start writing.

What is the bottom line of Anita Moorjani’s book? What is her insight from her NDE? She says ‚I understood that my body is only a reflection  of my internal state. If my inner self were aware of its greatness and connection with All-that-is, my body would soon reflect that and heal rapidly‚. What does that mean for me? I do believe, that we are all connected. I am sure of it. Am I aware of my own greatness. I have self-doubts like probably most of us. I feel not pretty enough, not slim enough, not successful enough. I could be a better daughter. Definitely a better wife. I am a pretty good mum though. But I am trying to love myself. I am trying to see the beauty in myself. I am trying to accept myself. Didn’t I paint that self portrait? And didn’t  I – oh, no I didn’t ONLY like it, I also saw the flaws. I didn’t like the nose Stehaufmännchen and I didn’t like how I had drawn the lips. But overall I loved it. Is healing connected to seeing ones own greatness and does that mean if I don’t manage to love myself enough I won’t heal?

My outer life is actually only a reflection of my inner state… Living more in harmony with who we truly are isn’t just forcing ourselves to repeat positive thoughts. It really means being and doing things that make us happy, things that arouse our passion and bring out the best in us, things that make us feel good – and it also means loving ourselves unconditionally.‚ When I finally quit chemistry in 2000 after having studied and worked in that area for 10 years, to actually follow my passion and take photos, I was happy. I felt nothing could stop me. I went to Palestine to be in the middle of the conflict, to take photos and to show them to the world. I really believed that was my path – until – I had a bullet flying so close over my head that I could feel the movement of the air. That was the moment I smoked probably my fifth cigarette in my life and I suddenly realized my soul was not made for so much heart-ship. All the pain I saw, all the hate, all those emotions  and I had no way of releasing them. They were all in me and I didn’t find a way to express them. So I buried my dream of becoming a professional photographer.

Parallel I had started to teach English to long term unemployed people. And here I found my talent. I had a way to teach that made these people feel good about themselves. We had fun together and at the same time discussed difficult personal issues. I felt needed. I felt I was making a difference. I loved it. Things changed when I started to teach German – and later leadership – in Switzerland. Although my students were also mainly job seekers, I didn’t manage to win them over. Was it because I am German and there were and still are some significant cultural differences? Was it my way of teaching? When students luck motivation, or think they know it all, when they show a limited amount of respect for my work – for me I am feeling worn out and drained of all my energy.

So what is my passion? I love giving seminars and workshops on leadership topics, I love showing people how to make SoulCollage® cards. I love coaching people. But doing only that doesn’t pay the bills. Workshops I organized were canceled because there weren’t enough registrations? What does that mean? Am I not good at what I love doing? What is missing? Am I doing it for the wrong reasons? Why is the Universe not helping, supporting me? What is it trying to tell me? I have been thinking for a while of not teaching any longer. But what else could I be doing? What is my unique gift to the world?

And then there is this… loving myself unconditionally. How am I doing that? Just a couple of days ago I came across an article by Megan Bruneau on WHAT “LOVE YOURSELF” MEANS AND 3 WAYS TO GET CLOSER TO IT. I want to live. I want to see my daughters to grow up. Let’s learn how to love myself unconditionally. Her advice is…

1. When you become aware of your critical voice, thank it for showing up with its good intentions. Her formula which is a sentence structure is for me too artificial. I like the general idea of first of all noticing that critical voice. That already is a challenge for most of us – including me. While writing this blog, I had numerous encounters with my inner critic. Why is my inner critic so strong. I am a perfectionist. I know that. And I am trying to let go of that pattern. And I am trying not to do the same to my children and my students. However, I have realized that I have high standards. The good intention is usually giving my best, making a difference, changing something for the better, but also getting recognition, being praised, loved, appreciated.

2. Practice a compassionate meditation towards yourself. The idea of going inward and scanning what I am feeling physically and emotionally and then bringing up feelings of warmth, patience, empathy, sympathy, comfort, appreciation and compassion and sending them to myself is a challenge. She describes it as ‚enveloping you like a warm blanket or a comforting hug‚. I particular like her suggestion  of doing the mountain pose  DSC_1103DSC_1102 in front of a mirror and noticing what thoughts and feelings come up as I look at my reflection and once I am comfortable doing that ‚sending love to the person in the mirror‚. I remember somebody suggesting nearly a year ago I should stand in front of a mirror and tell myself ‚I am healthy.‘ And I remember how difficult if not to say impossible that was for me. It never became a daily ritual.

3. Consider how you act towards yourself in response to success, compared to how you might react to someone you love. Her argument is that ‚our society overvalues modesty, to the point at which people feel guilty if they own or congratulate their successes.‚ Well thinking about this… when was I told the last time ‚job well done‘? It was actually after the last SoulCollage® introductory workshop. I felt good about it and I have learnt to just hear these compliments without giving into that urge of responding. When however the compliment was repeated in front of somebody else, I felt embarrassed. Why is that? On one hand I am complaining about students who don’t appreciate and value me enough and then if there is somebody who is giving me exactly what I need and want – I feel embarrassed and can also not enjoy that moment. So whatever people do – I am unhappy? That can’t be. I believe I am a good trainer. I believe I am a good teacher. I am competent, skilled and experienced. When I was doing my Transactional Analysis training our trainer gave us a metaphor for how different people hear acknowledgement. There are those whose opening for hearing compliments is pretty big. They will fill their daily need of recognition sooner vase6 than those whose opening is smaller. vase6b Maybe I belong to the second group.

Having said all that, what does it practically mean for me? Well on the odd occasion I write down what I love about myself, what I am good at… but I am miles away from unconditionally loving myself. I know though what it feels like. I love my children unconditionally. Which leaves me at exactly the same place I was at the beginning. If loving myself unconditionally is the key to healing than I am far far away from it.

(English) What is the difference between faith and trust


When I was working on my intention for 2015 I came across this question: What is actually the difference between faith and trust. Is it the same? Or not?

Goggling this question gave me 66 300 000 results. Not bad. So depending on which of the links I read I got a different answers and many of them one way or another connected or linked to Christianity and questions about beliefs.

What I have done for myself is to collect the most useful answers for myself and maybe for others who have the same question: What is the difference between faith and trust?

Dena Johnson wrote:  ‚I had never considered the difference between faith and trust, but I am beginning to understand. Faith is a strong belief in someone or something without logical proof. But, trust is a firm reliance on the character or integrity of another.‘

In an email from Dean VanDruff  I found this:

  • ‚Faith is believing the truth. For faith to be faith, we must have a reason to believe.
  • Belief is an element of faith but not the whole.
  • Trust is nearly the inverse of faith … It is believing in spite of the evidence.‘

In a third article I found the following: ‚Trust would actually mean that a person places complete confidence and in another person. The person believes that the person he/she is trusting will not harm them in any way andtrust will always look out for them…Trust is a permanent concept, where a person that is trusted is usually trusted for life, until that person breaks that trust. If either party breaks the trust, it takes a long time to build it back…Faith is more commonly considered as a spiritual concept. It is considered as an allegiance, duty or loyalty to one person or being. It can also refer to believing in something or something, even if no proof exists…Faith has a more positive outlook so that when an individual is placing faith in a person or a being, they are looking for the silver lining or are positive about something. Faith is mostly complete belief, devotion or loyalty. It is usually when a person blindly believes a person or being.‘

I was curious where the word faith originated from. In the Oxford dictionary it is given two definitions

  1. complete trust or confidence in someone or something
  2. strong belief in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual conviction rather than proof

There I also read that faith comes from Old French feid and the Latin fides. Looking up fides brought me to the roman concept of it, which I find really interesting: ‚FIDES“ is often (and wrongly) translated ‚faith’… For the Romans, FIDES was an essential element in the character of a man of public affairs, and a necessary constituent element of all social and political transactions (perhaps = ‚good faith‘). FIDES meant ‚reliablilty‘, a sense of trust between two parties if a relationship between them was to exist. FIDES was always reciprocal and mutual, and implied both privileges and responsibilities on both sides. In both public and private life the violation of FIDES was considered a serious matter, with both legal and religious consequences…‘

When I looked up trust in the Oxford dictionary it was defined as a ‚firm belief in the reliability, truth, or ability of someone or something‘. Truth has its origin in Old Norse, which is the North Germanic language of medieval Norway, Iceland, Denmark, and Sweden up to the 14th century, traust, from traustr ’strong‘.

So could it be, that both words faith and trust mean actually the same, but originated in different languages. In Old French and Latin faith and in Old German trust was born. Faith is a ‚complete trust‘ and trust is a ‚firm belief‘. And belief? Belief is

  1. an acceptance that something exists or is true, especially one without proof
  2. a trust, faith, or confidence in someone or something

At the end of the day all three words faith, trust, belief define themselves with the help of the other two. I am curious, how would you define them? .


(English) Intentions Part 2

‚…It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life…‘
Feeling Good Michael Bublé

Despite having already my intention for 2015 I took a second good look at the coming year with the help of Sylvia Nibley. Sylvia Nibley was a massage therapist and teacher for over 10 years. Then she was in 2 car accidents within 3 months, letting her unable to do massage. Instead she started to design web sites for heart-centered entrepreneurs. While doing that she realized that many of her clients didn’t really know how to communicate their message or market their gifts. That prompted Sylvia to develop the popular “Grow Your Business Organically” course.

Sylvia offered at the beginning of the year a free 20 minutes meditation with the focus on organically not only growing my business but also myself.

These are my personal notes:
What has the last year really been about?
letting go, setting free, making peace, connecting, healing, growing together, leaning against, going with the flow, facing up to

What will the next year be about? What transformation will you experience?
relaxed, at peace, calm, surrender, trust, faith, punch in the gut, receiving

What is this winter really about for me? What is its gift? What is it asking of me?
regeneration, growing strength, slowing down and reconnecting, cosy, wrapping up, the deer lying on the ice and sleeping peacefully

What is this spring really about for me? What is its gift? What is it asking of me?
new beginning, first steps, fresh, fragile, tender, delicate, fun

What is this summer really about for me? What is its gift? What is it asking of me?
sun, heat, warmth, energy, zenith, fireworks, explosions

 What is this autumn really about for me? What is its gift? What is it asking of me?
colors, scent, odor, damp, harvest, calmer

What is next winter really about for me? What is its gift? What is it asking of me?
rooted, feeling at home, at ease, calm Buddha, peaceful

What relationship would you like to have with your growth in the coming year?
trusting, faith, surrendering

What inner resources will you need?
the belief ‚everything is ok‘
the belief ‚I am ok‘

What outer resources will you need?
feedback from friends and family, even deeper understanding of my inner wisdom through my SoulCollage® cards

I surrender to the flow of life!

(English) My Mayan Signs

It all started with my daughter finding our photo album from our holiday in Mexico. Back in the days people used real cameras with real films to take real photos that were than developed. I had glued them into an album. So my daughter had found it and wanted to hear about the holiday.

In 1993 – over ten years ago – we went to Mexico so see, smell and be in the Mayan culture. I had wanted to see the pyramids, but not the ones in Egypt, no it had to be the ones in Mexico. Until today I don’t know why, but I felt this strong desire to go there. I was captivated by those Maya sites, the architecture, the stories behind, the Maya calender and all the myths going along – apart from the one saying the world was coming to an end on the 21st December 2012 because that was the day the Mayan calender stopped. I never believed in that. And as we can see by reading this – the world still exists.

Anyway coming back to the present, we showed our children those photos and remembered that we had bought some books about the Mayan signs. I was curious, we found this site and these are my results.

Learn Your Mayan Sign  Free Mayan Astrology Horoscope at MyMayanSign.com - Google Chrome

‚The Day sign shows your typical attributes. …Your Day sign provides you with your life mission that includes your strong and weak aspects…. This sign guides you and reminds you of your spiritual essence and personal mission …‘

Mine is Death/Cimi. Apparently I have a soft and feminine character. I have more the feeling of having a hard and male character, but who knows. I am ’smart, wise and romantic‘ – that’s true. My ‚emotional intelligence will bring success‘ maybe later in my life. I haven’t seen so much of that yet. And then I will ‚become a respected and successful business person‘. What hit me most was that I am ‚well protected from accidents and sudden death. Illness will not happen unless [I] create it‘. So there it is, and I mean that in no way sarcastic, when I have been talking about my illness, I made sure I would say: „I made this – I created this.“. It might sound gloomy, but it doesn’t feel like it. I take responsibility for my illness. Either I tried to tell myself something, or I tried to learn something, or … I guess we all try to find a meaning in things „that happen to us“. I tried to stop thinking in that way. Nothing just happens to me, I am part of it happening either by allowing it to happen, or by inviting the experience, or by ill thinking about myself.

The Death sign symbolizes transformation, the soul’s evolution and the death of the ego. My ego is definitely not dead yet. I still have dreams that aren’t all that spiritual and soul seeking. My challenge is ‚having faith, to give up being a victim‘. Well that’s interesting. Faith and victim in one sentence. I don’t feel like a victim. I am not sure I ever have. But I have lost faith and I am trying to tap back into the Source of faith. The solution ‚being beneficial to society‘ I am living. I am doing some volunteering, I am doing some social work. How me being beneficial to society will give me my faith back, I am not sure yet.

My Galactic Tone is 4. The tone ‚reveals the relationship between us and the divine plan….the tone is more like a mission given to you. This is the energy you radiate to the people, society and the universe.‘

I have nice things in that list. With ‚understanding, reflective energy, balancing, thoroughly thinking, regrouping, allowing‘ I agree. I think I have those qualities. But ‚healing, calm energy‘  I am still looking for.

My Trecana sign is Night/Akbal. The Trecana sign gives us the integral information about who we are. The Day sign ‚is 75% and your Trecana Sign is 25% effective. If we compare the personality to a picture, the Day Sign will describe what is in the foreground, which is your face. The Trecana Sign describes what is on the background of the picture and this tells us about your personality‘.

As a Night, I ‚like to start everyday with new hopes‘. That is true. I am supposed to have a ‚flexible and strong mind. Home life and family is very important…‘ Both things are true for me. Since I have children they are my highest priority. And in the spirit of our upcoming world travel is ‚like living on the edge‘ an understatement. If I believe that is written here, then I no longer have to search for my life purpose, which is ‚find the light in the darkness and share it with humanity‘. I guess one of the motivations to write a blog was just that. On one hand it gives me the opportunity to reflect more deeply about certain topics and if you were to read it, maybe it might inspire or even help you on your journey.

Well the Mayas were a complex society and so are their signs. Those three are not enough. According to the Mayans there is a ‚direct relationship between human beings and the universe. They believe that in the source of the universe, there is a living tree expanding into four directions‘.

tree‚The Past and the Destiny Sign… help you with your spiritual growth. Your childhood has been under the influence of the Past Sign till 12 to 13 years of age. After that you go under the influence of the Day Sign… From the age of 40, you would be under the effect of the Destiny Sign. In this way, you are given a new mission in your life‘.

My Past Sign is the Knife/Etznab. For me to relate to the interpretations would mean I remember how I was until the age of 13. It’s true, I was ‚hard working‘ and it is also true that I ‚tended to see the world as black and white‘. I did solve difficult problems also by ‚over reacting and finishing the relationship abruptly‘.

Now being over 40 my new mission should be driven by my Destiny Sign Jaguar/Ix. I am a spiritual person and it plays an important role in my life. ‚Jaguar energy is feminine in nature and is the ruling spirit of the plains, mountains and forests‘. But I l love the water, the ocean and don’t care so much for mountains and forests.

The remaining two signs of the tree are the Male and the Female Sign. ‚The Female Sign is your introvert side; Yin, is your passive side that does not come to the surface very often. … The Male Sign, Yang, is your outgoing and active side. It becomes apparent during your professional relationship and those involving power struggles. It is the side you show to the world. It also affects your career life.

My Female Sign is Road/Ed. So apparently is is me at home… my hidden introvert passive me: ‚practical way of thinking… accomplish your goals and are very competitive, you avoid confrontation… you are a traveler, agreeable and idealistic‘.  ‚Being on the road symbolizes being on a spiritual journey and growing as well as traveling and learning. As a Road sign, you discover your potentials outside the boundaries of your country. Through interactions with people from other countries, you find your place in life. You may choose to live where you can make a living and a career… Also having a relationship or marriage with a partner from a foreign country may be very suitable and good for you‘. Born in the former GDR, lived and worked in the UK for 7 years in three different cities and probably 7 different flats, moved then back to Germany for a couple of years and now living and working in Switzerland and being married to a Swiss might match the description.

My Male Sign is Light/Ahau, which is my outgoing, active and career side. I am ‚gentle, well-intentioned and generous… also courageous, intelligent and have a strong self-confidence… imaginative and have strong inner ideals‘. And it is also true that I am ’stubborn‘. The Aztecs apparently saw this sign for the poets, singers, dancers and creative artists. Well I am neither a poet, nor can I sing or dance. I could call myself a creative artists who doesn’t earn any money from it. And to wrap it up ‚In this life time you are going through many life lessons.‘ Which life lessons come to mind I may wonder?

  • Everything changes constantly.
  • Nothing last forever (isn’t that a song?)
  • Dream big
  • Nobody is perfect – not even me
  • Always tell the truth as you see it
  • Love hurts (that is definitely a song)

(English) Anita Moorjani‘ „Dying to be me“ – book review part 1

anitaWhen a good friend of mine suggested to me to read this book, my very first reaction was „No, can’t do it“. Having been seriously ill for a few years now and having to learn to live with the possibility of dying younger than normal, ok, what is normal? – but anyway my first reaction was „Can’t do it!“, „Won’t do it!“. In her gentle way she didn’t push me just said: „Get it anyway and if you don’t read it, no worries.“

So I bought the book. And once I had started I didn’t put it down anymore. I didn’t feel any of those expected bad emotions. Right at the beginning, yes I was emotional, but not in a bad way. I let it happen and it changed into being curious, being open, being critical.

Overall, if somebody was asking me if I would recommend the book, I would say „Yes.“ I have been even thinking of getting it as a present for some very specific people, but it’s kind of a strange present.

For me writing this blog is a way of once more working my way through the book, critical looking at her ideas, her beliefs and finding out what the learning, what the essence is for me. And don’t get me wrong, the essence will be different for every reader. This book that has the potential of polarizing significantly.

„It was a late Friday afternoon…“ when Anita was told that she had „lymphoma, which is a form of cancer of the lymphatic system“. Also having been given my diagnosis on a Friday, it was the 19th December 2008, moved me. It created some feeling of understanding what she had gone through, nearly knowing her. When later she described how she behaved, I felt she talked about me. I also „put up a front. I laughed and smiled and made small talk, even when I didn’t want to, because it was important to me not to cause concern or worry anyone else with my condition. I didn’t want others to feel upset or uncomfortable because of my situation, … So many people remarked on how ‚brave‘ I was, and how they admired the way I was dealing with my illness. Many, many individuals also commented on how positive and happy I always was – but that’s not how I felt inside.“ This is one of the most difficult things, I experienced in all those years. Who do I talk to? Who can handle a conversation on this topic without being too much affected? I didn’t think my partner could handle it, he was worried enough. He didn’t allow himself to imagine the unimaginable. And my parents? My mum is so very emotional. Me being ill was her living nightmare. And she had soon after me getting ill also some health issues. So talking to her, worrying her,  was also not really something I felt comfortable with. In German there are two words for feeling compassion: Mitgefühl and Mitleid. The first I needed, the second I got. So there was my dad left who I felt the closed to in those moments. He is very rational and calm. With him I could talk about my advance decision, he knew where all my papers where, just in case, he would drive me to the hospital before the operations and not talk, he was actually the one I told the diagnosis. I knew, well I thought, my mum couldn’t handle it, so I had him on the phone. There are a million small situations where when I thought who could be on my side for that, I came up with my dad’s name. Is it bad that it was never my partner? Or a friend? Or my mum? I don’t know. Looking back, my dad was my rock. My focal point. My rational safety net in an emotional turmoil.

It took me all together 5 years to find the courage to look for somebody specialized in psycho oncology. When I met her for the first time she asked me why I was coming and I said something like: “ I am looking for somebody I can tell all those frightening thoughts, all those worries, all those nightmares, and who is professional enough to be emphatic but not personally impacted. I am looking for somebody who get’s getting paid for listening to me.“ And we talked. We discussed all the unimaginable „What if-s“. And I felt free to talk about it with her. It was her competency, her skill to remain at a professional distance. I should have done this much earlier. This is one of my biggest leanings. There is more to healing than just cutting out, or radiation in my case, or whatever the doctors need doing. There is the soul part that gets in our society so easily forgotten. The soul needs attention and pampering. Maybe if I had been in the oncology department in the hospital, I would have been introduced to a psychologist. But I was in the neurological department. And I was never ever asked if I wanted to talk to somebody. Maybe I would have refused it in my arrogance, maybe not. Who knows. But we should learn, that if we are ill, we need to address our situation from different points with different methods. I did do art therapy along side of the standard treatment and it did me a lot of good. I choose art therapy because there I didn’t need to talk. It was what I felt I needed. But those thoughts, feelings, worries, anxieties that we feel in a life threatening situation, they also need to be heard. Well, and for them to be heard, one has to talk about them. I thought I was so self reflected, so strong, so clear that I wouldn’t need any of that therapy talk. But I was wrong. Had I done that earlier, maybe my partner and I would have started earlier to be truly open about how we felt and what we thought. We might have found a better way together during those years. We would have been a team. The way I did it – was that I did it all by myself. I felt I was the one being ill, I was the one having to handle it by myself and that I had to be strong for everybody else. How stupid of me. (to be continued)