I am currently reading Paulo Coelho ‘Aleph‘ and although it didn’t grab me like the ‘Alchemist‘, there are beautiful thoughts in there. Like this prayer:

“I forgive the tears I was made to shed,
I forgive the pain and the disappointments,
I forgive the betrayals and the lies,
I forgive the sanders and intrigues,
I forgive the hatred and the persecution,
I forgive the blows that hurt me,
I forgive the wrecked dreams,
I forgive the stillborn hopes,
I forgive the hostility and jealousy,
I forgive the indifference and ill will,
I forgive the injustice carried out in the name of justice,
I forgive the anger and the cruelty,
I forgive the neglect and the contempt,
I forgive the world and all its evils.” …

“I also forgive myself. May the misfortunes of the past no longer weigh on my heart. Instead of pain and resentment, I choose understanding and compassion…
Instead of grief, I choose forgetting. Instead of vengeance, I choose victory.

I will be capable of loving, regardless of whether I am loved in return,
Of giving, even when I have nothing,
Of working happily, even in the midst of difficulties,
Of holding out my hand, even when utterly alone and abandoned,
Of drying my tears, even while I weep,
Of believing, even when no one believes in me.

So it is. So it will be.”

On a more personal reflection:

  • I forgive myself for not being the successful business woman I’d like to be
  • I forgive myself for not fitting into half of my clothes in my wardrobe
  • I forgive myself for looking into the mirror and not appreciating what I see
  • I forgive myself for not following all my dreams out of fear of failing
  • I forgive myself for not completely trusting that I am healthy and well
  • I forgive myself for not having had that third child I always thought I might have
  • I forgive myself for my thoughts which might make me ill
  • I forgive myself for wanting more and more
  • I forgive myself for being weak
  • I forgive myself for being lazy
  • I forgive myself for sometimes losing patience with my children
  • I forgive myself for sometimes just wanting to run and hide
  • I forgive myself for failing over and over again
  • I forgive myself for having such a big ego
  • I forgive myself for just being me.

Today for the first time I didn’t enjoy being in the office. The whole team was there and I somehow felt out of place. I was working on somebodies desk who was there too and I had the feeling that that didn’t help neither. When they got themselves a coffee, I wasn’t asked. I just worked quietly at the desk and didn’t really participate in any of the chatting. And then there was that situation, where one of them was obviously annoyed by somebody replying in an email with just one word ‘Thanks‘. The person perceives it as somebody needing to have the last word. As something impolite. Now I am such a person. When somebody does something for me, or sends me some information, and time is short, I just quickly send a ‘Thank you‘ back. I feel it being polite because if the other person would have given me the information in person or put it on my desk I also would have thanked them. Well, I could have kept quiet, but I didn’t and said that I am such a person, and that I never do it to have the last word. The whole atmosphere was as thick as smoke and after some thinking I have decided to avoid Thursday mornings in the office. After all, I am a volunteer, I am not getting anything for the hours I am investing, so what I really don’t need is to go home with a bad feeling. Call it running away. Call it avoiding the situation. Or call it knowing which battles to fight and which not.

The afternoon however was the opposite. I was for the very first time doing officially a shift in Park kitchen. And James was the vocaliser. It was nice to see him in another role, another situation. We were a small group of three and later four people cooking Thai green curry and spicy chickpeas with cauliflower. I learned something there and I am looking forward to my next afternoon shift on Saturday.